Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
