I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
