That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
