Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize