walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
