you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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