you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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