He uses pillows to masturbate.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
