Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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