Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
