This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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