Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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