Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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