somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
