my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
