i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
