There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
