You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
