If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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