I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
