Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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