I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
