I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
