Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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