Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
