you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
