I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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