does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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