Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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