I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
