we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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