you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize