respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
