Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry about my life...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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