You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize