how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
