I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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