Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
