the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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