I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
