he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
