So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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