I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize