i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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