The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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