pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
