dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
