You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
