tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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