Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

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(631): View more from New York

Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy

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