Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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