i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
