Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
