I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
