I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
