There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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