You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
