I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
