oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
