Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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