I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am available for nakedness
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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