There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
