I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize