you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
