so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
