trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
